Nation of the States

Poetical US election special - 2024

An exclusive by MICH IGAN assisted casually by CALLY FORNIA

Coyly, in one corner we have Kamala and her pALABAMA. Many say she’s as FLORIDA person as you could wish to meet. She’s a sassy lady but KANSAS alone carry her to the White House? Especially when opinions about how she’ll cope run sOHIOverhere amongst seasoned campaigners.

Pacing the other corner is Trump blowing his own trumpet. With his fluster and bluster, ILLINOIS many people. Some feel he lacks subtlety and etiquette - and seriously, how CONNECTICUT not be a key part of the Presidency? Not everybody is sure about what he’ll do and HAWAII does it. Those who worry more about his Cons than his Pros, fear he will increase his powers and then rapidly WISCONSIN through a helpless House and Senate. And he remains unapologetic for all he does with many a well deserved sOREGON missing.

Right now, there’s not a human expert or compUTAH in the land that can predict the result. What are the MAINE issues? IDAHOle bunch of questions about the election. So I thought, ALASKA number of folks their opinions. Because if you want a straight answer, always ask the public and NEBRASKA politician!

In the east, VIRGINIA and her friend MARYLAND on the idea of giving the new girl a chance. In the SOUTH CAROLINA and her daughter further NORTH DAKOTA think the country’s going west whoever wins. This idea of going WEST VIRGINIA (their old room mate back East), entirely agrees with. In the west we spoke to old friends Harry Bosch and Harry Callaghan. These two ARIZONA private eye business and reckon Trump thinks he’s INDIANA Jones and needs a large leg of KENTUCKY fried chicken introducing where the sun don’t shine. North-east ways, there seems a quietly accepting hush at whatever happens oVERMONTANA and several other states while it was impossible to get anything for this article out of NEW HAMPSHIRE!

‘We ain’t going west, we’re goin’ SOUTH ‘DAKOTA (no relation) says - and she’s invited her southern buddy to ‘come NORTH CAROLINA’ (also no relation) and get as far away from the election hysteria as possible. In the wilds, we came across a couple, Mr and MISSISSIPPI, building a storm shelter for the next flood. They said they were too busy working with an ARKANSAS to worry about the next reigning President. 

The sporting community is still waiting to pick a team as they ask themselves what changes will American football, golf, basketball and TENNESSEE. The elderly and vulnerable are focussed on Covid protection, fearing that a MASSACHUSETTES the virus spreading again. The gay community, worried about a rise in OAKLAHOMAphobia are putting their karma in Kamala. Immigration is also a big issue. We spoke to asylum-seeking immigrant couple Neva and Sylvania who said they’ll vote for anyone prepared to PENNSYLVANIA a letter of citizenship and offer NEVADA right to stay.

More adventurous souls ,seeking rapid escape if the result is bad, have got in boats and RHODE ISLAND to island in the Caribbean seeking new homes. Beyond the borders, the Mexicans and Venezualans said they also want a NEW MEXICO wall to keep Trump out. Even timeless US icons are still veering one way and another. Mickey Mouse was all for Trump until his wife heard about Kamala and “MINNESOTA talked me around”

In both party camps, volunteers are busy WASHINGTON after ton of bunting for the victory parades.  Some of the more fanatical fans plan to knit a NEW JERSEY with their hero’s face on it. Realists are investing in waterproof goreTEXAS protection against whatever shower runs the White House next. If any of you really think either candidate will breathe fresh life and begin aNEW YORKidding yourselves.

In putting this article together IOWA debt of gratitude to the American voters, whatever state they may be in over the election. We all wonder, whether we’re stood in congress or sitting on the LOUISIANA other way for voters to choose POTUS? In summary, some say it’s much a COLORADO about nothing. Others fear a life of MISSOURI ahead. It’s enough to DELAWARE us all out. Why oh why oh WYOMING do they put us through this every four years? As I’m sure my good friends in Atlanta (who inspired this article) Katherine and GEORGIA’ll agree.

Marital Happiness for Young Couples

Use this brief award-winning guide by Krabby Kroops to achieve domestic bliss with your other half.

Introduction

Congratulations. You have decided to marry each other. Hopefully, you have been a couple long enough to see each other with no make-up, no trousers and no bowel control and it hasn’t put you off wanting to spend your lives together.

If you’ve been together a long time, you should have already resolved some of those ‘new couple’ snags about leaving the toilet seat up, squeezing the toothpaste tube at the top and using the floor as a second wardrobe.

This is a good first step. But to keep things in peace and harmony, there are some easy wins to save you from losing the magic or simply losing it with each other.

Win No.1: See yourselves as equals

Marriage should be a well balanced equation
She equals the boss
He needs to be equal to whatever she asks of him

Don’t believe all that other maths about ‘divide and conquer tasks’, add ‘value to each other’ or take away something without the other… or you will soon telling each other to ‘go forth and multiply!’

The balance is of right and left
She’s right and he is left to agree

Win No.2 Know your jobs

Some floppy liberal couples talk about splitting the tasks but this is just dinner party talk. The important thing is to know your jobs and stick to them.

Boys Jobs

The heavy tasks of shopping, painting, decorating, moving furniture, maintenance, gardening.

The dirty tasks of car maintenance, gutter clearance, drain clearance hoovering, dusting and laundry (unless the laundry basket is empty which is never)

The everyday tasks of cleaning, cooking, admin, putting the bins out.

Girls Jobs

Making sure the Boy’s Jobs are done and feeding the cat/dog/python.

Win No.3: Use merit points quickly

These can be earned by men for unexpectedly pleasing your partner in any number of ways. However, they are awarded randomly, cannot be saved for long and can be removed instantly without notice. So they need to be spent with haste, not at leisure.

Women do not earn merit points but award themselves a monthly allowance, to be used as and when they wish.

Anyone objecting to the system may rightfully appeal at a cost of their total current merit point balance.

Win No.4: Don’t try to win

All loving couples have differences of opinion. Everyone thinks there are 2 options here. Either bash on until you win or lay down weakly and allow yourself to lose. Neither really helps. A much better 3 rd option is simply PLAY FOR A DRAW.

Agree you are both right or simply agree to differ. It’s a smart tactic that your opponent (ahem partner) won’t be expecting – and will take all the heat out of the situation, ready for kiss and make up time. Also be aware of something much worse – The NO WIN situation.

Example: Your partner has had a haircut
Option 1 : You say “Ah you’ve had a haircut” They respond “Huh is it that obvious!”
Option 2: You say nothing. They respond “ Don’t you notice anything!”

This is harder to avoid and the subject of a whole separate guide book.

Win No.5: Doing what’s expected is BORING

Flowers on birthday. Valentine’s card on Valentine’s Day. That’s about as special as cleaning out the cat litter tray. Love is about doing nice things for someone spontaneously, not because convention says you should. Anyone who expects all that also needs a good shake. Doing exciting fun things to keep it fresh, like naked baguette juggling or swimming with pigs.

Win No.6: Don’t do EVERYTHING together

Yes…there are one or two obvious things you should do together. And with nobody else. Like dying each other’s hair when you get older.

But thankfully when God or whoever created us, he/she/it had the good sense in 99.9999% of cases not to join us at the hip. If we were meant to do everything together, why is there solitaire, wet suits, single rooms and no double toilets?

Having some separate hobbies and pastimes also gives you something to talk to each other about after dinner during the inevitable power cuts of the future caused by rising energy costs and falling resources.

Matching sweaters, his and hers towels, shared slippers? Oh please.

Win No.7: Assume nothing will be forgotten

Moments like pushing your partner’s head under the duvet after you have passed wind. Or finding the hidden chocolate, eating it and not replacing it for next time. Or something you said at a party 17 years ago. Everything is stored and earmarked for the day of retribution.

What must not be ever forgotten is your wife’s birthday. Well only once. You will have to sew ‘them’ back before the next time.

I hope you find this guide helpful or a happy marriage. If you need further help you might wish to read my more advanced guides – How Lying Helps and Guessing What Your Partner Said When You’re Deaf.

Four Seasons at Moss Towers

Moss Towers
Harrow

Dear Friends

Welcome to our 1st and only action-packed Christmas Round Robin.*
So, another year Zooms (quite literally) past. So much has happened, it’s hard to know where to begin.

Winter
Excitedly, as the year began, we heard of a star appearing in the East. But it turned out only to be Elton at the O2 - and it was extinguished by Covid anyway. Unperturbed, we celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary instead with matching Silver keys to symbolise the next 25 years in lockdown. I ordered an all singing, all dancing super warm Goretex coat for the cold snap but Amazon delivery was cancelled by the cold snap. To stay trim, I went on a whisky only diet and lost 4 days.

Spring
Merlette was forced by the unmasked rigours of Covid commuting to curtail her much loved teaching at school. But not before her Nobel Peace Prize shortlisting for getting peace from kids for unprecedented periods of up to 5 minutes. After a prolonged and exhaustive job trial, I was promoted to Chief Assistant Birdfeeder (Second Class). In brighter news, my new song Jab Me Baby One More Time made it to the final 12 of the UK Eurovision entry. Sadly, it was edged out by the catchy BOJO is a DOZO. My winter coat delivery was further delayed by Spring floods and the commandeering of all vehicles for a global celebrity body search at Easter time. Nobody ever found the body but millions found God instead.

Summer
Driven insane by lack of foreign sun, Merlette stowed away on Eurostar disguised as a French poodle, thanks to no haircut for 9 months. Unfortunately she fell asleep, missed France and awoke in Istanbul. There she was thrown into prison for being in possession of YouTube footage of cute kittens puffing on crack pipes. Luckily, she befriended a group of prison sparrows who airlifted her out to the Midnight Express whilst the guards were distracted by Turkish Delight. In her absence, I did a bit of freelance plea writing for Amnesty International and enjoyed a spot of hunger striking. On the hottest day of the year, my feck-off winter coat finally arrived but it was alas now too big.

Autumn
Merlette celebrated her Diamond Jubilee with a quiet garden party for small birds and mammals on the Moss Towers Estate. The day before this my mother hit 90 with a Ferrari skid pan experience and an instructors’ course in hot yoga. After an extensive search, I actually found somebody worse than me at golf to become my new fairway friend and weekly whipping boy. In even better news, my award-winning Autobiography ‘Famously AnonAMOSS’ is only 723 pages away from completion. Having received a voucher for my returned winter coat, I decided to re-deploy it as another coat-free lockdown approaches and get my Easter bonnet order off in time for on-time delivery.

Well, we hope your year was as apparently exciting as ours. We send you every good wish and positive vibes for Christmas and the coming year. And hope to catch up with you properly, in person and unmasked.

Love Al & Merlette xxx

*due to ongoing restrictions, some of the year’s events have been described through Artificial Replacement Simulation Exercise software. Or, in short, ARSE.

Christmas 2021

We’ve taken the worst the pandemic can throw
We’ve taken Brexit and the delivery go-slow
We’ve taken fuel shortages and government gaffes
We’ve taken the closure of favourite local shops and ‘caffs’
We’ve taken Strictly glitter balls and rancid Bushtucker trials
We’ve taken box sets and eat outs instead of nights on the tiles
We’ve taken one of the toughest times for our nation
We’ve even taken Boris’s Peppa Pig appreciation
We’ve taken vaccines and boosters in our stride
We’ve taken in poor refugees from far and wide
We’ve taken the knocks and worries and fear
We’ve taken them all with typical Great British cheer
We’ve taken as much as you’d expect for every person living
So thank heaven that at last it’s the season for giving!
I’ll set the Christmas ball rolling by giving you my best
PoeticAL wishes and hopes for a welcome rest
From everything 2021 has taken from you
And for a far, far better 2022.

Olympic Dreams

It starts with a dream…
Citius, altius, fortius
To be the fastest, the highest, the strongest, the sportiest
To take the precious natural gifts we’re given
And be driven to new times, new heights, new weights
To join that hallowed list of all-time greats
Who found their brave, their brilliant, their bold
By digging deeper, further, longer to unearth Olympic gold

It starts with a dream…
To pursue with every fibre of brain and body and soul 
That singular, stellar, spectacular, sporting goal
Until its relentless, restless, repetitive day in, day out pursuit
Fuelled by an endless zest to accept nothing but success
Bears the sweetest fruit
And on the way, before the dawning of that perfect day
To draw on the daunting lessons of defeat with no shame or retreat
And come back fast and high and strong
To put your body, your nation, your race, in the exalted place
Where destiny dictates it should belong

It starts with a dream…
To let the watching world begin
To share and comprehend the will, the hunger, the skill
It takes just to take part, let alone to win
The strain, the ‘no pain no gain’, the salty tears of sweat
All endlessly endured with a single thought in mind 
The heady scent of being ahead that leaves all the suffering behind
That triumphant glow that as a child you long to touch, to taste, to see
Sat cross-legged and transfixed by your Olympic heroes on TV
Thinking maybe, just maybe, this could be me
It only takes one person to win
For a million dreams of future glory to begin

It starts with a dream…
To celebrate a battle of wills that leaves no lasting universal ills
But channels the age-old Corinthian art; the joy in simply taking part
Rejoicing in rivalry that can strengthen human nature, not weaken lands
Between birds of a sporting feather, sticking together for the good of life’s greater plans
Keeping competition clean and keen and healthily alive
In a peaceful, positive spirit that helps every contestant in the human race to thrive
Where after the fight we all, as friendly foes, re-unite
With a hug, a shrug and a ‘well done you’ hi five

It starts with a dream…
And whether it ends in ecstasy and joy or heartbreak and pain
In a few more years, through all the smiles and tears
Nothing on earth would hold us back
From wanting to do it all again

Kidology

When I should have been a carefree pup
All I dreamt of was being grown up
Frustrated by the childish hand I’d been dealt
I didn’t have the adult tools to explain just how I felt
I’d waste fun time to imagine being free
Of playing the childish role expected of me
The adults all bigged up how great it is to be small
They’d forgotten that when you’re small, it isn’t that great at all.
I had the huge job of just trying to discover me
When all they worried about was when’s my bedtime and what’s for tea
They said it should be the time of my life
No arguing with husband or wife, no responsibility, no debt
Just time to have fun and have your day in the childhood sun
But that’s something you just don’t get
That this happy, sad, exhilarating rollercoaster ride on life’s learning curve
Is something only later in life you feel you richly deserve
And that’s the ironic river wild of not wanting to be a child 
You only realise you’ve blown it, once you’ve outgrown it
That luxury of living solely in the present tense
Not having to interrupt the joy of now, with what lies hence
Wanting to grow up before your time
Is a universal crime
Too much fun lost and tears of frustration spilt
On trying to get your adult self too swiftly built 
So the best place all us wannabe adults can start
Is promising ourselves always to remain a child at heart

Body Language

A chin can tremble ahead of tears
Or be kept up to banish worries and fears

A finger can enticingly say come hither
Or extinguish life with the squeeze of a trigger

A face can portray unashamed joy
Or betray the shame of an underhand ploy

A shoulder can be there to cry on
Or for seekers of greater goals to climb high on

A hand can be offered to shake in friendly engage
Or be shaken in a fist of ferocious rage

A head can be raised in victory so sweet
Or dipped in the darkening disappointment of defeat

An eye can be given gladly as an invitation
Or fixed on looming danger in trepidation

A look can be prompted by a love of fashion
Or impart an unsaid message of unbridled passion

A back can be offered to ease a heavy load
Or turned on another when disapproval is showed

A sigh can signal sad disenchantment at leisure
Or the gentle exhalation of contented pleasure

A voice can speak sweet words we yearn to hear
Or fire fearful cries of bitterness and fear

In every movement, every moment, every action, every hour
Body language carries so much in its power.

But it’s what we truly feel inside
That speaks a language which never lies

And the purest body language of them all
Is the unconditional joy of laughter when we’re small.

Perfect Pastimes

Do gardeners like partaking of weed?
Do gamekeepers enjoy egg poaching?
Do naturists secretly put on their clothes?
Do undertakers get life coaching?

Does the queen play cards without the kings?
Do prime ministers build cabinets for fun?
Does the Pope have a bet on Vatican roulette?
Do snowmen escape to the sun?

Do Trappist monks go on SnapChat?
Do inland revenue staff meet at the coast?
Do undercover operatives play I Spy?
Do frozen food packers like a roast?

Do hard rockers enjoy soft play centres?
Do waiters visit self-service places?
Do charity workers give time to bad causes?
Do transvestites go to drag races?

Do F1 racing drivers do F all?
Do hermits get into flash mobbing?
Do US Presidents buy white house paint?
Do cats get themselves into dogging?

Do chief whips go all submissive?
Does the speaking clock read the Sunday Times?
Do barristers get off on getting debriefed?
Do Eskimos seek sunnier climes?

Do prison guards enjoy weekend escapes?
Do world leaders find tweeters to follow?
Do good Samaritans do themselves a favour?
Do wine tasters stop spitting and swallow?

Do greengrocers like enjoying blue movies?
Do good nuns get into bad habits?
Do librarians volunteer as town criers?
Do greyhounds get themselves chased by rabbits?

Does a gifted genius play the fool?
Do demolition guys see what can be mended?
Do rude chefs use no words starting with F?
Do poets stop before the rhyme’s

Unlucky or What?

My mojo’s jammed in the sofa
My rabbit’s foot fell down the loo
A black cat shat in my path today
And I skidded and fell in the poo
My charm bracelet rusted into my wrist
My mascot ran away to sea
I got stuck going under a ladder
And lost my jackpot ticket for the lottery
My lucky pants got shredded by next door’s cat
And my lucky socks shrank in the wash
I backed a horse that took the wrong course
And a pickpocket stole all my dosh
I accidentally reversed into a hearse
They day after my insurance expired
A thief took away my takeaway
And my lucky head hunter got fired
A genie appeared when I rubbed a lamp
But he only did vegan requests
I was offered some pleasure by a girl named Treasure
But she just had a sunken chest
I lost my virginity but found it again
A wishbone got lodged in my throat
My lucky day is light years away
And my ship coming in’s a toy boat
My Alexa got laryngitis
My satnav lost its sense of direction
My unbreakable watch broke in its box
And my mirror has run out of reflection
But who cares how the cards are falling
Let the demons their very worst do
For though my heart aches for luckier breaks
I still have great mates like you

Heads Up

It doesn’t take complex rocket science
To marvel at the brain as an appliance
It’s amazing how much skill, joy and fear
Can come from a little pink hemisphere
A small component part that shapes our whole
That drives our heart and determines our soul
But sometimes to our utter frustration
Gremlins creep in to upset the equation
And when E=MC squared is F’d about
We need another brain to help work it out
Not through complex surgical operations
But through quiet reflection and realisations
By getting hidden feelings out onto a shelf
To see them for real and start helping yourself
It won’t stop odd thoughts but it can give them a steer
And help you appreciate why you are here
Sometimes it can knock you down with a feather
How one brain can reboot when two heads are together
So even if you think that your head’s in a state
Just find a brain buddy and you’ll re-calibrate
Because for every rogue strand that knots up your mind 
There’s a true kindred spirit that will help you unwind
So you’re newly refreshed as your old self again
And getting some sense from your silly old brain

Two Jabs to Rehab

They’ve given me the injection
For my own protection
A new freedom to mix
Through just two little pricks
As opposed to the many more
That have made life such a bore
With their lockdown rules too loose
And their anti-mask abuse
I hope they’re last to get the jab
Or sent to social rehab
Where they can no longer be of harm
Which would be another shot in the arm
For everyone whose life’s been akimbo
Thanks to endless Covid limbo
Where fear of infectious escalation
Has kept us all out of circulation 
Keeping busy or just being lazy
The only antidotes to going stir crazy
Until this new antibody dope
Has injected us all with fresh hope
The huge hole in our lives can begin
To be filled by tiny holes in our skin
So go get your vaccines, be brave
And put an end to 12 months a slave!
It will slow down the danger much faster
And no longer let Covid be master
Just two little pricks in the shoulder
Will help us all safely get older
Which trumps the huge pain in the arse
We’ve all had from this pandemic farce
Let’s hope the next vaccine puts a curse
On all the pricks who made it so much worse

Creature Comforts

A hamster or a vole 
Would rather munch a toilet roll

A toad or a froggy
Would rather chomp on something soggy

A rat or a mouse
Would prefer some cheese in the house

Anything going baa or moo
Would rather have grass to chew

Those with a total bird brain
Get very peckish for grain

Your average chimpanzee
Would prefer a party with tea

A whale seeking his fill
Would seek out some minuscule krill

A donkey or a rabbit
Would see a carrot and grab it

Foxes, wolves and badgers 
Would rather just scratch their nadgers

A noble bird of prey
Only seeks food that’s running away

A panda or a brown bear
Prefers shoots and leaves stocked in its lair

A pony, a horse or a mule
Likes getting its oats as a rule

A domestic hound or a mog
Would be (ahem) sick as a dog

And a dung beetle’s culinary preference
Is too unthinkable to reference

In fact, the animal kingdom as a whole
Wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole 

Which is perfect for humans like me and you
So we can scoff all the chocolate that we do.

Precious Planet Earth

(COVID-19 Take 20)

Every better, smarter, faster age that’s dawning
Comes at a price and sometimes without apparent warning  
And as it attacks our lungs, hearts and minds ever faster
Spreading global disaster that could not be foreseen
What does it all mean? And what will it take to inspire us?
To see-off this evil 2020 vision-busting Covid-19 virus.

In truth, should we really be surprised?
Or is it to ourselves that for so long we have lied?
Because now the state of every nation is unwanted social isolation
It can only be the fault of the human race for self-isolating our interests in the very first place 
We turned mother nature into smother nature and now she’s fighting back
To restore the respect that we’ve continued to lack
We’ve relentlessly advanced the human condition
Until what keeps us running can’t keep up with our mission
We’ve violated, drained and squeezed natural resources
And mutated them into self-destructive forces

If we’re so ready to fight for gender and climate and black lives matter
Why do we batter ourselves into submission
In this greater war of attrition that scars the human condition?
Aided and abetted by many a short-sighted politician
Pouring fuel on their burning ambition
Putting the ugly greed of me
Before the natural needs of he, she and we 
Because when self-interest is what we truly cherish
Those we hold most dear will inevitably perish 
Through this relentless drive at all costs to thrive

It’s just the true symptoms showing 
Of the way humanity is going 
Countless poison aerosols of doom 
Spread by toxic airheads in many a key decision-making room
And the hard-of-thinking hardcore minority that bask
In their left-field right to be in your face and on your case without a mask    
Unkind replacing mankind 
Welfare that’s neither well nor fair
Leaving us vulnerable and ill at ease 
And sitting pretty for the taking by this latest ugly disease  
That steals souls by stealth 
Even those of front line heroes 
Guarding our health 

As we edge towards a world of confinement that everybody fears
Perhaps we should have confined ourselves to need and not greed all these years
It’s time to curb our natural bent 
It’s time to check our self-destructive ascent
Climb down from our progress-centred high horse
And reset our future earthly course
Back to the trees and hills and seas and ponds
Where in calmer, ancient days before this man-made malaise
We first came from

This is humanity’s final wake-up call
This is our one last chance
To heal the wounds
And slow the flow
Of the evil Covid advance
We gotta shout and rant and sing
About the fundamental value
Of doing the right thing
We gotta stick together
We gotta all prove our worth
As privileged passing guests
On this
Our precious planet earth

The Joys

Every project
Can be the object
Of certain distractions
That annoy us just a fraction
They slash the budget
So you have to fudge it
And work on the breadline
To an ever shrinking deadline
You get creative team grief
From the flimsy client brief
While the buyers of media
Get needier and greedier
Until half the time’s spent
And you still have no content
So a late night brainstorm
Becomes the norm
As caffeine fuelled quick wit
Gets you out the shit
Then you try not to worry
As it’s chipped out in a hurry
Then the CD gets involved
And it’s all frantically evolved
Until you’re on the floor
Trying to get it out the door
And even successful presentation
Is not without frustration
Once the client’s had a think
They’ll throw in the kitchen sink
And then you have to figure
How to make the logo bigger
Every pointless amend
Drives you round the bend
And what gets the final all clear
Is the bastard child of the original idea
Finding the point of it all
Is like nailing jelly to wall
But without all this strife
We’d be forced to get a life
So best cut though the noise
And be thankful for the joys

Shaping Up

“Don’t despair” said the square
“You can’t all match my style
In cities, on chessboards, in meals and miles”

“Ho hum!” said the trapezium
“But you’re such a regular bore
Straight up and straight across, there really must be more!”

“To a degree” said the circle
“But if I may encroach.
You can’t beat a well-rounded 360 approach”

“Right on!” said the pentagon
“But I’m vital you see
As HQ for the western world’s security”

“Don’t wish to wrangle!” said the rectangle
“But if not for me,
Where would the world’s flags and bricks and mobiles be?”

“See what you mean” said triangle Scalene
”But I’m the prettiest in this joint
I’ve got acute angle and several outstanding points”

“But my dear!” said the sphere
“I shape our entire planet
And none of you lot could possibly span it”

“Fair play dude” said the cube
”But I’ve two friends who’ll go far
The star is a diamond and the diamond a real star”

“Hang on!” said hexagons and septagons
“Our rightful claims can’t be denied
We’ve got honeycombs and several coins on our side!”

“Wash goin’on?” slurred the nonagon
Sat on a champagne crate
“I do declare?” cried the square “You’re one over the eight” 

“Guys! Scram!” cried the parallelagram
“We’ll finish this another day
The dodecahedron is coming our way”

Socialite

You’re the tweet others follow
The outfit they copy
The bright life in their nightlife
The cream in their coffee
You’re the presence that cheers
The envy of peers
The chief glitterati
At every do or party
You’re the glow amongst embers
The name everyone remembers
The IT girl or geezer
The charismatic crowd pleaser
You’re an entertainment magnet
The peoples’ favourite ‘plus one’
The buzz on the floor when you come in the door
Is the sign that the fun has begun
You’re the high society black belt
The guru that turns wannabes green  
The socialite who’s out of sight 
In lighting up the scene

Eccentric

Your every fibre burns bright
To be seen in a different light
You’re freeform over uniform
No disciple of the norm
Wryly mocking of others flocking
To be the same - that’s not your game!

With a left field range 
From amusingly quirky
To endearingly strange
You’ve perfected the rejection
Of standard practice and convention      

When the world yings, you yang
You love being none of the gang
Favouring selective over the collective
Consensus of you, you and you.
One-off beats me too!

Thanks to DNA
You do it your way
A celebration of differentiation
With the hint of inclination
To bypass expectation
The eccentric with a speciality
Of avoiding humdrum banality

Brand Strategitis

Having considered with precision
The vision 
And the mission
In juxtaposition
With the proposition
Awaited decision
Worked on revision
Caused by client inhibition
And opinion division
Thus requiring incision
(With the skill of a magician)
Of further prepositions
For subsequent editions
Of the bloody proposition
And vision and mission
In difficult conditions
Without remission
And avoiding derision
Or head on collision
Of conflicting positions
Through underlying frictions…

I’m left in the position
Of requiring a physician

#Protest4Privacy

Spoofing Bob Dylan’s Homesick Subterranean Blues.

Sneaky sister, Big Brother
Born of every bad mother
Dish your dirt, blow your cover
Hate mail from the scandal lovers
ID crimes! Need a lawyer
Filling folks with paranoia
Naked truths, harsh exposure 
Open season, no closure
Watch your back
We’re under mass attack

Buzzin’ drones, ID clones
Killer phones, intel known
We’re all prone, you’re not alone
Drifting in the danger zone
Data pool for catching all
Uploading fuel for your downfall
The Cyber school for the cruel
Making fools of one and all
Watch your back 
We’re under mass attack

Information for exploitation
Kills reputation, no salvation
Fat cat greed, state exploitation
United greed divided nations
Unstoppable hypocrisy
Killing our democracy
From liberty to data slaves
Worried to an early grave

Look out Jack
It’s time to fight back!
Drag us out the data grinder
Re-invest in human-kinder
Break the chains and let us be
Joint the fight 4 privacy

Whatever Next?

I’ve ironed my pants, I’ve sorted my socks
I’ve trimmed my nose hairs, I’ve polished my rocks
I’ve tidied the garden and blitzed all the weeds
I’ve watched the squirrels dig up all my seeds
I’ve jet washed the patio and hosed down the cat
I’ve counted the bristles on my front door mat
I’ve been for a camping trip in my loft
I’ve fried some bacon just for the waft
I’ve cut the grass with scissors and watched the paint dry
I’ve watched funny U-tubes ‘til they made me cry
I’ve read everything from Gruffalo to Plato
I’ve googled recipes using only potato
I’ve eaten baked beans with a cocktail stick
I’ve bought Amazon out with a single click
I’ve made a playlist of all songs ever sung
I’ve learned how to say ‘lockdown’ in every tongue
I’ve opened the post in protective gear
I’ve desperately tried to ration my beer
I’ve rung all my friends, even those I don’t like
I’ve taught my budgie to ride a bike
I’ve painted the remote for my TV set
I’ve searched Google on Google to see if it breaks the Net
I’ve hidden the chocolate each day in different places
And videoed all my wife’s disappointed faces
I’ve split the atom and isolated new gases
I’ve even worked out the difference between lads and lasses
I’ve found the Holy Grail and the Golden Fleece
I’ve solved global warming and mastered world peace
I’ve done all this today.. but my only sorrow
Is what the hell can I do tomorrow?