Marital Happiness for Young Couples

Use this brief award-winning guide by Krabby Kroops to achieve domestic bliss with your other half.

Introduction

Congratulations. You have decided to marry each other. Hopefully, you have been a couple long enough to see each other with no make-up, no trousers and no bowel control and it hasn’t put you off wanting to spend your lives together.

If you’ve been together a long time, you should have already resolved some of those ‘new couple’ snags about leaving the toilet seat up, squeezing the toothpaste tube at the top and using the floor as a second wardrobe.

This is a good first step. But to keep things in peace and harmony, there are some easy wins to save you from losing the magic or simply losing it with each other.

Win No.1: See yourselves as equals

Marriage should be a well balanced equation
She equals the boss
He needs to be equal to whatever she asks of him

Don’t believe all that other maths about ‘divide and conquer tasks’, add ‘value to each other’ or take away something without the other… or you will soon telling each other to ‘go forth and multiply!’

The balance is of right and left
She’s right and he is left to agree

Win No.2 Know your jobs

Some floppy liberal couples talk about splitting the tasks but this is just dinner party talk. The important thing is to know your jobs and stick to them.

Boys Jobs

The heavy tasks of shopping, painting, decorating, moving furniture, maintenance, gardening.

The dirty tasks of car maintenance, gutter clearance, drain clearance hoovering, dusting and laundry (unless the laundry basket is empty which is never)

The everyday tasks of cleaning, cooking, admin, putting the bins out.

Girls Jobs

Making sure the Boy’s Jobs are done and feeding the cat/dog/python.

Win No.3: Use merit points quickly

These can be earned by men for unexpectedly pleasing your partner in any number of ways. However, they are awarded randomly, cannot be saved for long and can be removed instantly without notice. So they need to be spent with haste, not at leisure.

Women do not earn merit points but award themselves a monthly allowance, to be used as and when they wish.

Anyone objecting to the system may rightfully appeal at a cost of their total current merit point balance.

Win No.4: Don’t try to win

All loving couples have differences of opinion. Everyone thinks there are 2 options here. Either bash on until you win or lay down weakly and allow yourself to lose. Neither really helps. A much better 3 rd option is simply PLAY FOR A DRAW.

Agree you are both right or simply agree to differ. It’s a smart tactic that your opponent (ahem partner) won’t be expecting – and will take all the heat out of the situation, ready for kiss and make up time. Also be aware of something much worse – The NO WIN situation.

Example: Your partner has had a haircut
Option 1 : You say “Ah you’ve had a haircut” They respond “Huh is it that obvious!”
Option 2: You say nothing. They respond “ Don’t you notice anything!”

This is harder to avoid and the subject of a whole separate guide book.

Win No.5: Doing what’s expected is BORING

Flowers on birthday. Valentine’s card on Valentine’s Day. That’s about as special as cleaning out the cat litter tray. Love is about doing nice things for someone spontaneously, not because convention says you should. Anyone who expects all that also needs a good shake. Doing exciting fun things to keep it fresh, like naked baguette juggling or swimming with pigs.

Win No.6: Don’t do EVERYTHING together

Yes…there are one or two obvious things you should do together. And with nobody else. Like dying each other’s hair when you get older.

But thankfully when God or whoever created us, he/she/it had the good sense in 99.9999% of cases not to join us at the hip. If we were meant to do everything together, why is there solitaire, wet suits, single rooms and no double toilets?

Having some separate hobbies and pastimes also gives you something to talk to each other about after dinner during the inevitable power cuts of the future caused by rising energy costs and falling resources.

Matching sweaters, his and hers towels, shared slippers? Oh please.

Win No.7: Assume nothing will be forgotten

Moments like pushing your partner’s head under the duvet after you have passed wind. Or finding the hidden chocolate, eating it and not replacing it for next time. Or something you said at a party 17 years ago. Everything is stored and earmarked for the day of retribution.

What must not be ever forgotten is your wife’s birthday. Well only once. You will have to sew ‘them’ back before the next time.

I hope you find this guide helpful or a happy marriage. If you need further help you might wish to read my more advanced guides – How Lying Helps and Guessing What Your Partner Said When You’re Deaf.

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