It’s a Dan’s World

DANs have always ruled the planet
Even before men started to man it
After the Big DANg, the DANosaurs came
Until DANte’s inferno ended their game

Then came the dawning of DANkind
As Ape DAN into Modern DAN gradually refined
Then Cave DAN added homes and fire as features
Whilst eating or fleeing from DANgerous creatures

And as the ages passed, earth soon became overran
By such as AlexDANder the great and Attila the DAN
And other DAN clever ideas shaped history’s course
Like HadriDAN’s Wall and the legendary TrojDAN horse

Then great artists and inventors showed the way to go
Men like Leonardo DAN Vinci and Michael DANgelo
Whilst eDANgelist explorers discovered great lands afar
From DANzania and DANmark to DANada and DANama

The world’s rivers, seas and waters have followed this masterplan
From the DANube and mighty DANmazon to English DANnel and Hoover DAN 
Even animals and flowers have dominated the DANnals
Think of DANffodils, DANsies, Praying DANtis and Cocker DANiels

You can’t avoid the name wherever you are today
You can DANce the DANgo on a DANk Holiday
Or see SuperDAN in Los DANgeles during DANksving
Or watch DANdy Murray and Robin DAN Persie earn a sporty living

From the King of JorDAN to Nelson DANdela
The name seems shared by every important fella
The world even had the first DAN on the moon
But though it seems DANtastic don’t get cocky too soon

You could be peDANtic or have DANdruff on your skin
Or lose your head like DAN Boleyn
Or have a fluffy pink brain like DANdy floss
But you won’t and why not? Because you’re a Moss!

From your DANdy Uncle and IndiDAN Auntie
Have a fabulous 13th DANniversary
And if you have to wear a onesie, we admit it’s more cute
Than spending all day in your Birthday suit.

What Next for DKS?

Justin Bieber?
Not a believer

Sebastian Vettel?
Can’t even boil a kettle

Harry Styles?
Too vain by miles

George Clooney?
A grey haired old loony

Dr Who?
So much travel to do

Indiana Jones?
Only chases old bones

Mahatma Ghandi? 
Got extra clothes handy?

Harry Potter?
A slimy four eyed rotter

Christiano Ronaldo?
Too much bravado

Simon Cowell?
Smug bloke with a scowl

James Bond?
Mmm, you might pull a blond

Bill Gates?
Only has needy mates

Barack Obama?
Too much of a charmer

Prince Willy?
Now one’s getting silly

Miranda Hart?
Wrong gender for a start

Andy Murray?
I wouldn’t be in a hurry

Now you’re twelve, you see 
You must think about who you want to be
But wouldn’t it be great
(Apart from always being late, room in a state, leaving greens on your plate)
To be Daniel Southgate
Too cool for school
And nephew to a fool!

Daniel Undecim

It was Daniel Kenneth Southgate’s eleventh birthday
And things seemed quite normal in every way
“Happy Birthday” said Mum “Can’t believe you’re eleven
So what can we do to make your special day heaven?”

“Please dispense with monosyllables” came the reply
“My frustration in conversation I’m unable to deny”
“I’m now adult and advanced from such simplistic tomfoolery
The agenda is to stretch my burgeoning voc-a-buuulary”

“So do you want toast and some tea on the side?”
“Yes, if you mean cremated dough and hot hydrogen oxide”
“And before you proffer marmalade I’d labour to point out
It’s simply dehydrated citrus fruit with the pith taken out”

“It’s nearly time for school” said Mum “Have you seen the time?”
“Mater, the chronological exactitude is no concern of mine
I’ve risen, cleansed myself and evacuated bowels
I’ve completed dental hygiene and correctly aired my towels
I’ve entwined my footwear laces in a tight and robust knot
And circumspectly freed my nasal passages of snot

“That’s all very well” said Mum “and most eloquently said”
But have you forgotten I asked you to make your bed?”
“Ah… sleeping quarters re-conditioned subsequent to the night…
“Indeed it slipped my mind, a reprehensible oversight”

“As it’s your birthday I’ll forgive you” said Mama
“But isn’t all this fancy talk taking things too far?”
“You’re growing up so fast, there’s no need to speed it up
I don’t want to lose my sweet and silly little pup!”

“Mother your agitation and frustration on the purification of my pronunciation in relation to the justification for the cessation of my simplification in the application of communication is causing extensive consternation….

…so for Gawd’s sake, just give us a bit a cake!”